Time for a Rant

This post is about two weeks in the making. I find myself getting so upset whenever I try to sit down to write it, that I simply can't get past the first few words. I'm hoping, however, that writing things down will prove cathartic for me.
K1 is not LDB's biological son. When I was 19 I got engaged to The Mechanic. He was stable, he was steady, he was a good friend, and he was crazy about me. I was never in love with him, but in UT 19 is about the "right" age to get married so I figured what the Hell. I bought the dress, I picked out invitations, I bought the centerpieces, and then I found out I was pregnant. I was more than 2 months along before I found out. I was on birth control at the time so it just never crossed my mind that all the vomiting and exhaustion could be anything more than a veeeeeeery extended stomach flu.
Things quickly turned sour between the mechanic and I. I started to realize that I was in no way ready to settle down with him...emphasis on the word settle. Friends got involved on both sides which led to enough drama that I eventually had a protective order drawn up against him. I very quickly regretted that action, but it was too late...the damage had already been done. I never heard from him again.
While I was pregnant I became good friends with a co-worker who introduced me to her fiance's best friend, LDB. We were married in April of 2003, when K1 was 11 months old. LDB was the only father K1 ever knew. When LDB and I got divorced, K1 was forced to suffer through wondering why "daddy" took K2 every weekend, but no longer wanted him. At 2 1/2 years old, it was hard on him to say the least.
About 3 years ago I received a message on Myspace from The Mechanic's little sister, wanting to know if she could see pictures of her nephew. One thing led to another, and K1 finally got to meet his father, his "step-mom", his brother, his grandparents, and his aunt. Things were great! He started spending time with his family, and we eventually got to the point where I was comfortable with him spending weekends there. He went camping with them, spent holidays with them. He finally had a DAD!
Unfortunately, the novelty has apparently worn off. Over the past year the visits have started coming less often. They are still definitely in his life, but he only sees them monthly now rather than weekly. The final blow came last month when The Mechanic informed me that he would be moving to California. Apparently his company has cut his hours, and despite the fact that his girlfriend is more than able to work he now needs to move for a new job because she refuses to do so. I was FURIOUS! While I understand the reasons behind the move, I do not agree with them. He and his girlfriend had agreed that when their son was 6 months old she would go back to work. He is now 3 and she refuses to get off her ass to even take care of her child, let alone get a job to contribute to the household. Instead, she plays computer games and chats in chat rooms all day. So now my son is losing another father. He claims that he will still come visit because his girlfriend and son are staying here, but I simply don't see him making the time for K1 even if he does come visit. I mean...he currently lives just one hour away, and still rarely makes the effort to visit his child. Now that he's moving hundreds of miles away I see his efforts coming to a halt.
K1 is the most amazing human being I have ever known. His heart is made of pure gold. He is the type of child who took it upon himself to take the entire contents of his piggy bank to donate to the Haiti relief fund because he wants to help. He is the type of person who never walks by a homeless person or a Salvation Army bell ringer without begging me for money to give to them. He is the type of boy who would take in every stray animal he comes across if only he had a mother who would allow them in her home...so instead he builds them shelters with tarps and takes food out to them so that they will stay dry and fed. He puts others above himself...he always has. He is such an incredible example, not only to his sister, but to me. He is what I strive to be more like everyday.
K1 is currently going through neurological testing. They believe he may have Asperger's Syndrome,which is an autism spectrum disorder. We spent two entire days up at Primary Children's Hospital in SLC to have him checked for seizures etc. We were 20 minutes away from his father, who knew where we were and why we were there. He never showed up. K1 desperately needs his father right now. He has already been through enough dammit! He is scared, he is confused, he is SEVEN! So why, when K1 needs him the most, is he not there?
I suppose the silver lining in all of this is that maybe it will hurt him a little less when daddy doesn't show up if it can be explained away because of distance.
Until next time, much love!
~T

Too Funny Not To Share!

Until next time, much love!
~T

Must Be Something In the Water

Feeling much better today. I think I needed to just really feel the pain of it all for a minute or two. It's crazy, I thought I was over it before it ever even ended, but obviously I was not. I think I simply had too much going on, and I didn't have the time or the energy to truly deal with the pain of it all. Now, however, I'm forcing myself to face it head on. I need to deal with it now instead of closeting it away in a corner of my heart, only to have it re-surface again at a later date. So...here I am....dealing with my 5 month old heartbreak.
Nug and I met for a tea at Starbucks on Friday night. She knew about the latest with The Artist, and she wanted to make sure I was doing alright. Apparently she also needed to talk about all the fighting between her and her husband as of late. We had a nice time just bitching about love and the difficulties that come along with it.
Saturday night she showed up on my doorstep again, this time with a couple of bags and the baby in tow. She had a fight with the husband that afternoon, and he had put his hands on her again. It didn't escalate past him grabbing her and holding her arms while he screamed into her face before she bounced, but it was enough for her to leave the house for the night. They spent the night at my place, and we did some serious talking about the future of her marriage. I refuse to tell anyone what they should do when it comes to marriage etc., but I made sure to let her know that I will support her no matter what she decides and that if she does ultimately decide to leave the b*stard, she certainly won't be alone. She has a great support system that will be there to help her, no matter what.
A and her hub were fighting this weekend too. She came over with her two boys on Sunday evening because she just needed out of the house. Her husband is in the marines, and he has been gone for seven months now while she is at home taking care of a 16 month old and a 2 month old, in addition to her two daughters (10 and 12). He goes out drinking and partying every weekend, and she's beginning to get a little resentful. She's tried discussing it with him, but he just doesn't understand where she's coming from. He should be done with job training in March, and they'll be together again. Hopefully once he's home things will get better.
It never fails to amuse me the way my girlfriends and I always seem to be on the same cycle when it comes to relationship issues...or maybe it's simply that we're all on the same CYCLE cycle, so we tend to always be bitchy at the same time, causing all the love drama? ;)
Until next time, much love!
~T

Why NOW, After 5 Months?

I'm listening to Keith Urban and Rascal Flatts today.
Sh*t.
Until next time, much love!
~T

Apology Accepted

Got yet another email from The Artist...
"Hello T..I hope your well.Looking back on things I know it could have been better and I could have been a better person to you...I really dont know what was plaguing me but I am sorry for how I treated you.I hope you have a wonderfull new year.
J "

My response, you ask?
"Apology accepted."

And I truly do accept his apology...no bullsh*t. And maybe that's all he needs. Maybe he just needs some sort of closure himself. Maybe he just needs to know that I'm over it all...that I'm ok. I guess with this last email I figured...what the H*ll, I can give him that. Now maybe he can let it all go. So why does my heart hurt so terribly now?
Until next time, much love!
~T

Randomness

Got another email from The Artist today. Apparently he's "back in the valley of the sun". Yay for him. Wonder if he'll ever stop emailing.
TGTBT got married yesterday. Yay for him. Wonder if he'll ever stop being unfaithful.
Holidays were awesome, awesome, awesome!! I was smart enough to do all my shopping BEFORE December 1st this year so I literally had zero stress, despite the fact that I was hosting Christmas Eve.
Blind date guy called to see if I wanted to "get together" while I was on winter break, and I actually had the back bone to say "thanks, but no thanks". Yay for me. Wonder if I'll ever be able to do that again without feeling like a complete jerk face.
Hung out with Young Buck and his wife last weekend at his sister's birthday party. It was good times. She's quite fantastic, and it looks like he's finally gotten over his awkwardness about us. Yay for that.
Until next time, much love!
~T

I Pretty Much Suck

Good Heavens I'm a crappy blogger! The truth is...my dating life has been pretty much non-existent this semester, and I get the feeling it will remain that way for the next little bit as my classes seem to be getting harder and harder. Who would have guessed, right? ;)
I did go out on a blind date a couple weeks ago with my friend's husband's co-worker, but truly...the date was SO lame that it doesn't even warrant a blog post! He spent half the time droning on and on about his superior sales techniques and the other half being rude to the wait staff. Is it just me or is that one of the biggest turn-offs in the history of dating?? Oh and I DID spend the last 3 months lusting after my ridiculously hot law professor which kept me rather entertained for 2 1/2 hours each week. Somehow even contract law became fascinating when it was THE Professor doing the lecturing.
I have, however, decided to take a bit of a break from dating. That being said...I certainly wouldn't turn away from any exciting adventures with the opposite sex, but I simply don't have the time to spend looking for options. Sooo I guess my question is this...do I abandon the blog altogether, force you all to wait in anticipation for months between posts (as I so cruelly do now), or do I convert this blog into more of a rambling of random thoughts?? Oh the decisions...
Until next time, much love!
~T