Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Who gets married without so much as TELLING their kid, let alone having them at the wedding? The Mechanic, that's who.
Dead beat dads are such a bummer.

Until next time, much love!
~T

Friday, August 6, 2010

If You Have a Moment, Or A Spare Dollar.....

http://loveforlivi.blogspot.com/

This is the daughter of a dear family friend. Love, prayers, positive thoughts, and/or donations are all greatly appreciated.

Until next time, much love!
~T

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Hmmmmmm

So my very first boyfriend, my high school sweetheart, contacted me on facebook a few weeks ago. He sent a simple "it's been forever, what is your life like now" email. We exchanged a few messages on facebook, and have now moved on to personal emails. I've given him a full life update, as well as the current pictures of my family, kids, etc. that he requested. He responded with an update of his own and current pictures of his family, kids, etc.
We've now moved on from the updates, and onto "us". He's currently stationed in Afghanistan, with limited access to his old photos etc. but I sent him copies of the pictures I still have, and he plans on scanning in copies of what he has when he gets home. We both got a pretty good chuckle over our old pictures...man were we YOUNG!
Well, about a week ago, he sent me a rather personal email. He told me all about the downward spiral of depression he went into after we broke up. Told me the things he always had, and always will, miss about me. Asked me what it was that led to our break-up, and what did I do after we split. I responded with a very personal email of my own, and after sending it realized...this could be completely inappropriate.
For me, this has been all about finally getting the closure we were too young to give each other 13 years ago. It was catching up with my old best friend, and re-living memories from another lifetime. For him I think it's been simply a nice distraction from the war he is in the middle of. I didn't think twice about answering his questions, and discussing our past together. But I'm not married...he is. I have to wonder how I would feel if I were married and my husband was having conversations like that with his ex fiance.
We've never crossed any true lines, and we've never steered the conversation into "us" in the present day or anything like that. But still... He lives in Georgia, is stationed in Afghanistan for the next 5 months or so, and I will never see him again...so it seems pretty harmless. We don't flirt, it's not like that. What does concern me, however, is the emotional attachment we still seem to have. We were each others first love. We were together for 2 1/2 years at such a very young age. We lived together, we were engaged, we had a LIFE together. That kind of connection doesn't just go away.
He's contacted me 2 other times throughout the years...once through myspace about 3 years ago, and once through facebook about a year ago. It was always just a 2 or 3 paragraph "hello", and my response was always the same...and it stopped at that. This time is different. Maybe BECAUSE he is at war, and desperately needs something else to focus on, even if just for 5 minutes.
We've known each other since we were itty bitty, and I hope that we can find a way to wade through all of this and find our way back to the friendship we shared before we ever even dated. I care about him very much, and I always will. I would love to be able to keep in touch with him, and hopefully now that we've aired out all of our dirty laundry we'll be able to do that without crossing the line into anything more than old friends who wish each other well.

Until next time, much love!
~T

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

How In the World Do Army Wives DO It?!


Lately most of my very limited spare time has been devoted to the soldier...ooooh, the soldier...
Met me a nice soldier, yep I sure did. He's a rather delicious looking one too. He served in Iraq with my friend's brother's girlfriend's cousin. Confusing enough? He's also still in the military. He's career. He's stationed in Kansas City, MO now, but he's shipping out to Afghanistan soon.
The whole situation is beyond impossible. Even if K1 didn't have a disability that made big changes (i.e. moving every few years) a form of torture for him, I also have baby daddies to think about. How would I feel if the roles were reversed, and my child was simply snatched up and moved away?
While the fantasy of it all is rather enjoyable, the reality pretty much sucks.
So...for now...I suppose I have a pen pal. :)

Until next time, much love!
~T

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

It's Been a Minute, Hasn't It?

Once again, I have gone two months between posts...I'm the worst blogger EVER!
Life has been absolutely crazy lately! Not only have I been dealing with testing, etc. for K1 (we finally got an official diagnosis, yay!), but my mom was diagnosed with kidney cancer and had to have surgery to remove one of her kidneys and an ovary. She was in the hospital for nearly a month due to complications, etc. I also had my wisdom teeth taken out in March which led to dry socket and then an EXTREME allergic reaction to some random Orajel tooth desensitizer that made the entire right side of my mouth blister...baaaaaaaaaad times. AND I was slammed with school work, courtesy of the semester from hell. Needless to say, I was a bit busy and pre-occupied in March and April. The Artist, of course, could not handle the fact that he wasn't receiving enough attention from me and started in with the passive-aggressive games once more.
He started by changing his relationship status back to single and deleting the profile picture of the two of us (thank goodness haha). When that wasn't enough to get my attention he decided to play hardball by re-adding his hooch of a "friend" (who will stop at nothing to get him into bed, even when he's in a relationship with someone else), and making public plans to "get together" when he gets home. When that wasn't enough he started "accidentally" sending me text messages that were meant for her. Still, I tried to ignore it all. Then, to add insult to injury, he friends "The Hoe Bag". Remember the girl TGTBT cheated on me with? The same one my very first boyfriend cheated on me with? Yeah...he friended her. He knows the story behind The Hoe Bag, and decided to friend her...simply to get to me. Lame much?!
Heaven knows I do NOT need that kind of crap. My life is chaotic enough as it is, without head games and bullsh*t. I didn't feel the need to be dramatic about any of it though. I simply deleted him from my facebook (who wants those kind of wall posts on their home page anyway, right?), and stopped responding to his texts. Being The Artist, he kept texting...asking "wtf did I do?" etc. I still did not respond. Unless he is completely brain-dead he knows exactly what he did, and I'm simply too far past the point of being done with it all.
I hadn't heard from him in a couple of weeks, and he hadn't even crossed my mind, when out of the blue I get a message on facebook that reads......

May 11 at 11:13pm Report
I dont want to argue but it would kill me to find out if you were sleeping with ***** ***** when you and i were together...I just can't believe you would possibly be like this...hope its not true and if it is then I guess its the reason why you no longer talk to me and thats cool...take care

WOW...really? REALLY?!?! Where in the WORLD did that come from?!?! Of course it's completely untrue, but WTF?! Did The Hoe Bag tell him that? And if so, WHY?! Of course he either deleted his account or blocked me before I could even respond. I considered, for about a millisecond, emailing him or texting him to let him know he was out of his FRICKEN mind, but I realized...it's simply not worth it. What do I care if he thinks I was screwing around behind his back? I know I wasn't, so really...what does it matter? Not to mention, I would just be playing into his hands by responding. That's exactly what he wants. That was the WHOLE POINT of that ridiculous message...to get a rise out of me, to get me to respond to him. No thanks Artist, I'll pass on your game.

Until next time, much love!
~T

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Am I An Ass?


So I've been communicating with The Artist still, though he is starting to creep me out a bit. Not only did he change his relationship status, but he has now also changed his profile picture to one of the two of us together on the 4th of July. Ummmmm not really sure what to think about that.
He's constantly telling me he loves me, misses me, blah blah blah. I simply ignore the statements. Last night, however, he asked me to "please be sure to tell the kiddos 'hi' for him". I was going to ignore it, like I do pretty much everything else he says, but then I decided I needed to respond. The conversation went as follows:

The Artist
March 8 at 2:28pm
Hey I just wanted to say
that even though we are so far apart I love u..I think about you all
the time and cannot WAIT to prove these things to you.Have a great
Monday.

T
March 8 at 4:29pm
Awww thank you! It's been pretty good so far, but I do have accounting class tonight ugh lol! How you doing?

The Artist
March 8 at 4:50pm
I am doing ok..Still waiting on contracts to be finalized..talk about
ugh!...I hope you have a great evening and please say hello to the
kiddos for me.
J

T
March 8 at 5:22pm
Yeah, ummm no offense, but I won't be doing that ha ha! It was a mistake to introduce you to them so early.

The Artist
March 8 at 5:26pm
wow....ok...So we had that wonderfull phone conversation and you told
me you miss me and still care about me...ever since then you have just been going
backwards..now you wont say anything, and so I ask you. why did you
tell me those things on the phone at all?..

T
March 8 at 5:29pm
Because I meant them! God forbid I should want to take things a little
slower this time around after everything that happened before! The kids
are too young to understand everything that happened and will
happen...all it was to them was an abandonment and I won't put them
through that again. They come first...always.

The Artist
March 8 at 6:12pm
ok.I understand.

UUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! He is getting SO annoying! I HATE HATE HATE neediness! Should I have just let it go though? Was I an ass to respond the way that I did?

Until next time, much love!
~T

Friday, February 26, 2010


K1: "Mom, did you hear that?! They said 'Apollo'! That skater guy is a God!!"

Me; "Yes baby, he suuuure is" *swoon*

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Am I Crazy? Quite Possibly...


I've been speaking to The Artist again. He will be home in about two months and would like to "hang out".
We've spoken via email, IM, text, and phone...re-hashing everything that went down between us. He explained a lot of his behavior and apologized profusely for not treating me the way I deserve to be treated. But still...how am I to trust that this time will be any different? I've heard it all before.
He moves WAY too quickly for my liking as well. We've had a total of ONE phone conversation. Granted it was a 5 hour conversation, but it was only ONE conversation. We've texted, emailed, IM'd, etc. quite a bit as well, but I certainly wouldn't say we're in anyway "back together". Hell...I haven't even decided if I want to "hang out" when he gets home! He, however, has already changed his relationship status on fbook to "in a relationship". In a relationship? Really?! With who? Who, whom? Whatever. I just don't get it. He says it's simply to show me that whatever I decide he is "all in", but it kinda weirds me out.
Until next time, much love!
~T

Friday, February 12, 2010

What a GREAT Day!

My Dippidee order came today, and they threw in a special surprise treat JUST FOR ME!!!



How jealous are you?! Yummm!!

Also, a friend of mine recently started doing eyelash extensions and needed some guinea pigs to practice on. I, of course, volunteered myself. I've been wanting to try them for awhile, but could not justify spending $200 to have them done so this was perfect! Had them done last night, and I LOVE them! No more mascara for this girl hooray! I'm super lazy when it comes to hair and makeup so ANYTHING that can shave a few minutes off the morning routine is great.

Pardon the dark circles and bags under my eyes...I'm a student for Heaven's sake. ;)
Getting super excited to take K1 to see Percy Jackson tonight! In fact...I think I'm more excited than he is!
AND...my super awesome mom, and my super spectacular daughter brought me lunch today! Could this day be any better?! Could I be any luckier?! No...no I could not. :D
Until next time, much love!
~T

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Enough Whining

So sorry to have gotten all Negative Nancy on you guys lately. Just needed to vent anonymously for a bit, and now I can move on to happier things yay!
Is it weird that even though this will be my 5th Valentines Day being single I still absolutely loooooove it? I think it's because I have kiddos, and really...EVERYTHING is funner with munchkins!
Picked up these sweet little treasures



from red4short, bought a couple super cute and cuddly Vday bears and candy packs from WalMart, and ordered some yummy Vday treat baskets from Dippidee for the kids. I'm not gonna lie, I'll probably eat half of their treats myself, but it's the thought that counts right? ;)
There was a party for the kids on campus on Monday, and my mom was cool enough to bring the kids over to meet me there after class. They got to decorate some cookies, and they made me the sweetest valentines.
Saturday K1 will be with his grandparents and K2 will be with her dad so A and I are going to Texas Roadhouse together since her husband couldn't make it home.
Sunday will be spent doing taxes for my brother, my other brother and his wife, my parents, and LDB. I should really start charging for my services ha ha!
Monday Monday Monday is a BLESSED holiday! I <3 you Washington and Lincoln for giving me a day free from school AND work! I'll probably take the kids to see The Tooth Fairy since K2 has been wanting to see it.
Random quote from K2:
"I love you lots mommy, even though you sing bad"
It's true...I can't carry a tune to save my life!
Random quote from K1:
"Mom, playing Wii without you is like living in a world with no Sun"
Ha ha ha ha! He sure knows how to work his mama, doesn't he?

Until next time, much love!
~T

Monday, February 8, 2010

Time for a Rant Part II

After re-reading my last post I realized that I needed to finish the story. I realized that I had made it sound as if The Mechanic's decision to move out of state for a better job was cause for me to flip my sh*t, when in reality that is not really the issue at all...it was simply the beginning, and the end I suppose.
It's the little things that have been adding up lately that have really gotten to me. On Christmas Eve, for example, K1 went with his dad to his great-grandma's house for the family Christmas party. Every single child there was given 2 gifts...every child except K1 that is. K1 received 1 gift...pajama pants. Because he's such a lovely boy, he waited until they were in the car on their way home to my house before he said anything. When he asked his dad why everyone got 2 presents except for him, his dad chastised him for being "greedy" rather than explaining to him that it must have been an oversight and that he should in no way feel "less than" because of it. K1 is far from greedy, but he's also 7 years old. It wasn't about greed, it was about having his feelings hurt because to him the lack of a second present meant that his great-grandma only loved him half as much as she loved her other great-grandkids. Does his father truly not understand the distinction? And does The Mechanic's grandmother truly not understand the lasting psychological damage she is doing to my child by treating him as if he doesn't matter as much as the other children in the family?
K1's grandparents take his brother every single weekend. They have him over for sleepovers, and spoil him rotten while he's there. They also take K1's little brother to have his pictures professionally done about twice a year. They take K1 for a grandparents weekend about once every other month. They have taken him to have his pictures done (with his brother of course) one time. It is made very clear to anyone who cares enough to look in who is the "favorite" grandson. I pray every single night that my son never figures it out.
As for the move....like I stated before, I do not agree with his decision to move simply because I believe that his worthless girlfriend should be doing more to help out financially. I think that she should have stuck to the original plan of going back to work when their son was 6 months old. You see...she worked at a daycare center where she is able to take her son to work with her so she truly has NO valid reason not to go back to work. I think that if she would have gone back to work as she stated she would then, even with the economy the way it is, The Mechanic would have been able to stay in state and deal with this temporary hours/pay-cut because they would have had a second income to cushion the fall. So when it comes to the move...I'm not even angry with The Mechanic, I'm angry with his girlfriend.
But why am I SO upset about it all? It's not simply about the move. It's about the fact that The Mechanic moved without so much as saying goodbye to his son. K1 spent the weekend with him about two weeks before he moved. When The Mechanic picked him up I sat down with him to discuss my feelings about the way he and his family have been treating my son lately. I explained how much it hurt K1 to feel second best all the time, to feel as if he were just an afterthought. The Mechanic's response was simply, "I don't need to explain myself to you" followed by a hasty departure with K1. When he brought him home the next day, the subject never even came up.
For two more weeks I waited to hear from him. I knew he would be leaving within the next couple of weeks, but I wasn't sure exactly when. I figured...what father would leave without at least calling his son, or stopping by on his way out of town since we're literally ON HIS WAY to California? No call ever came. No visit either. He left 1 week ago today, and K1 didn't even know he was gone until I spoke to him about it yesterday. He hasn't heard from his father in over 3 weeks.
It was K1's brother's birthday last week. Due to some facebook posts I found out (after the fact) that they all got together last weekend for a farewell/birthday party. K1 was not invited. Am I out of line for feeling absolutely disgusted about this? To not even call K1 and ask him if he would like to come up to say "goodbye" to his father and "happy birthday" to his brother...I will never, ever, ever understand that. I am horrified by their actions, and confused by their decisions. Is it a case of "out of sight, out of mind"? How CAN it be? How can you POSSIBLY just forget about your own child, your own grandchild, your own nephew?! I simply cannot wrap my head around it. I'm trying so hard to move past it, to not obsess about things I cannot change. But when it comes to your children, that is so much easier said than done!
I hate them. I have so much hate in my heart for them right now. I know that it's not healthy. I've never truly hated anyone in my life! I will get past this, I have to get past this...in time I suppose.
His grandmother facebooked me over the weekend. She wants to come pick K1 up this Saturday to spend the night with them. I so badly wanted to tell her to bugger off, but regardless of my personal feelings she IS his grandmother. So I let him decide. We already had Valentine's plans, and I had promised to take him to the new Percy Jackson movie if he finished the series before the movie came out...which he did! Pretty impressive for a 7 year old, right? Yep, that's my boy! :) Now those plans will be canceled. I will find a way to take him to the movie on Friday night instead, even if that means letting him stay up past his bedtime because HE EARNED IT dammit!
On a positive note...I spoke to LDB about the situation when I dropped K2 off on Friday night, and he is more than happy to step up to the plate. He has tried to be respectful over the past few years, knowing that if the roles were reversed he would hate it if someone else was "playing dad" to his kid. I told him how desperately K1 needs him right now though, and he is happy to start taking him regularly if I will allow it. I'll admit, when we first got divorced LDB was so filled with anger at me that I didn't trust him with K1. And then he started dating someone who had an issue with him spending time with his own child, let alone MY son so spending time with K1 was definitely not an option. Luckily things are different now. LDB has taken K1 on a few occasions over the past year, but has been very careful not to step on the toes of The Mechanic. I told him this weekend, however, that with their recent decisions and behavior The Mechanic and his family have officially given up any respect they may have ever deserved, so hopefully LDB will follow through with his promise to step up as K1's male role model. Fingers crossed!!!
Until next time, much love!
~T

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Time for a Rant

This post is about two weeks in the making. I find myself getting so upset whenever I try to sit down to write it, that I simply can't get past the first few words. I'm hoping, however, that writing things down will prove cathartic for me.
K1 is not LDB's biological son. When I was 19 I got engaged to The Mechanic. He was stable, he was steady, he was a good friend, and he was crazy about me. I was never in love with him, but in UT 19 is about the "right" age to get married so I figured what the Hell. I bought the dress, I picked out invitations, I bought the centerpieces, and then I found out I was pregnant. I was more than 2 months along before I found out. I was on birth control at the time so it just never crossed my mind that all the vomiting and exhaustion could be anything more than a veeeeeeery extended stomach flu.
Things quickly turned sour between the mechanic and I. I started to realize that I was in no way ready to settle down with him...emphasis on the word settle. Friends got involved on both sides which led to enough drama that I eventually had a protective order drawn up against him. I very quickly regretted that action, but it was too late...the damage had already been done. I never heard from him again.
While I was pregnant I became good friends with a co-worker who introduced me to her fiance's best friend, LDB. We were married in April of 2003, when K1 was 11 months old. LDB was the only father K1 ever knew. When LDB and I got divorced, K1 was forced to suffer through wondering why "daddy" took K2 every weekend, but no longer wanted him. At 2 1/2 years old, it was hard on him to say the least.
About 3 years ago I received a message on Myspace from The Mechanic's little sister, wanting to know if she could see pictures of her nephew. One thing led to another, and K1 finally got to meet his father, his "step-mom", his brother, his grandparents, and his aunt. Things were great! He started spending time with his family, and we eventually got to the point where I was comfortable with him spending weekends there. He went camping with them, spent holidays with them. He finally had a DAD!
Unfortunately, the novelty has apparently worn off. Over the past year the visits have started coming less often. They are still definitely in his life, but he only sees them monthly now rather than weekly. The final blow came last month when The Mechanic informed me that he would be moving to California. Apparently his company has cut his hours, and despite the fact that his girlfriend is more than able to work he now needs to move for a new job because she refuses to do so. I was FURIOUS! While I understand the reasons behind the move, I do not agree with them. He and his girlfriend had agreed that when their son was 6 months old she would go back to work. He is now 3 and she refuses to get off her ass to even take care of her child, let alone get a job to contribute to the household. Instead, she plays computer games and chats in chat rooms all day. So now my son is losing another father. He claims that he will still come visit because his girlfriend and son are staying here, but I simply don't see him making the time for K1 even if he does come visit. I mean...he currently lives just one hour away, and still rarely makes the effort to visit his child. Now that he's moving hundreds of miles away I see his efforts coming to a halt.
K1 is the most amazing human being I have ever known. His heart is made of pure gold. He is the type of child who took it upon himself to take the entire contents of his piggy bank to donate to the Haiti relief fund because he wants to help. He is the type of person who never walks by a homeless person or a Salvation Army bell ringer without begging me for money to give to them. He is the type of boy who would take in every stray animal he comes across if only he had a mother who would allow them in her home...so instead he builds them shelters with tarps and takes food out to them so that they will stay dry and fed. He puts others above himself...he always has. He is such an incredible example, not only to his sister, but to me. He is what I strive to be more like everyday.
K1 is currently going through neurological testing. They believe he may have Asperger's Syndrome,which is an autism spectrum disorder. We spent two entire days up at Primary Children's Hospital in SLC to have him checked for seizures etc. We were 20 minutes away from his father, who knew where we were and why we were there. He never showed up. K1 desperately needs his father right now. He has already been through enough dammit! He is scared, he is confused, he is SEVEN! So why, when K1 needs him the most, is he not there?
I suppose the silver lining in all of this is that maybe it will hurt him a little less when daddy doesn't show up if it can be explained away because of distance.
Until next time, much love!
~T

Friday, January 22, 2010

Monday, January 18, 2010

Must Be Something In the Water


Feeling much better today. I think I needed to just really feel the pain of it all for a minute or two. It's crazy, I thought I was over it before it ever even ended, but obviously I was not. I think I simply had too much going on, and I didn't have the time or the energy to truly deal with the pain of it all. Now, however, I'm forcing myself to face it head on. I need to deal with it now instead of closeting it away in a corner of my heart, only to have it re-surface again at a later date. So...here I am....dealing with my 5 month old heartbreak.
Nug and I met for a tea at Starbucks on Friday night. She knew about the latest with The Artist, and she wanted to make sure I was doing alright. Apparently she also needed to talk about all the fighting between her and her husband as of late. We had a nice time just bitching about love and the difficulties that come along with it.
Saturday night she showed up on my doorstep again, this time with a couple of bags and the baby in tow. She had a fight with the husband that afternoon, and he had put his hands on her again. It didn't escalate past him grabbing her and holding her arms while he screamed into her face before she bounced, but it was enough for her to leave the house for the night. They spent the night at my place, and we did some serious talking about the future of her marriage. I refuse to tell anyone what they should do when it comes to marriage etc., but I made sure to let her know that I will support her no matter what she decides and that if she does ultimately decide to leave the b*stard, she certainly won't be alone. She has a great support system that will be there to help her, no matter what.
A and her hub were fighting this weekend too. She came over with her two boys on Sunday evening because she just needed out of the house. Her husband is in the marines, and he has been gone for seven months now while she is at home taking care of a 16 month old and a 2 month old, in addition to her two daughters (10 and 12). He goes out drinking and partying every weekend, and she's beginning to get a little resentful. She's tried discussing it with him, but he just doesn't understand where she's coming from. He should be done with job training in March, and they'll be together again. Hopefully once he's home things will get better.
It never fails to amuse me the way my girlfriends and I always seem to be on the same cycle when it comes to relationship issues...or maybe it's simply that we're all on the same CYCLE cycle, so we tend to always be bitchy at the same time, causing all the love drama? ;)
Until next time, much love!
~T

Friday, January 15, 2010

Why NOW, After 5 Months?

I'm listening to Keith Urban and Rascal Flatts today.
Sh*t.
Until next time, much love!
~T

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Apology Accepted


Got yet another email from The Artist...
"Hello T..I hope your well.Looking back on things I know it could have been better and I could have been a better person to you...I really dont know what was plaguing me but I am sorry for how I treated you.I hope you have a wonderfull new year.
J "

My response, you ask?
"Apology accepted."

And I truly do accept his apology...no bullsh*t. And maybe that's all he needs. Maybe he just needs some sort of closure himself. Maybe he just needs to know that I'm over it all...that I'm ok. I guess with this last email I figured...what the H*ll, I can give him that. Now maybe he can let it all go. So why does my heart hurt so terribly now?
Until next time, much love!
~T

Friday, January 8, 2010

Randomness


Got another email from The Artist today. Apparently he's "back in the valley of the sun". Yay for him. Wonder if he'll ever stop emailing.
TGTBT got married yesterday. Yay for him. Wonder if he'll ever stop being unfaithful.
Holidays were awesome, awesome, awesome!! I was smart enough to do all my shopping BEFORE December 1st this year so I literally had zero stress, despite the fact that I was hosting Christmas Eve.
Blind date guy called to see if I wanted to "get together" while I was on winter break, and I actually had the back bone to say "thanks, but no thanks". Yay for me. Wonder if I'll ever be able to do that again without feeling like a complete jerk face.
Hung out with Young Buck and his wife last weekend at his sister's birthday party. It was good times. She's quite fantastic, and it looks like he's finally gotten over his awkwardness about us. Yay for that.
Until next time, much love!
~T